I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
