Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
