sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
