I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
