im having a threesome with these popsicles
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
