Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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