How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
