Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
