It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
