I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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