wrigley field is MILF paradise
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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