how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
