Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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