I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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