just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
