Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So. Much. Porn.
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