Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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