Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
