how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
