life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
