So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
