Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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