worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
