im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize