I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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