My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
