If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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