just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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