youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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