I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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