she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
