my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
