dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
