She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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