This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
