Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
