dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Randomize
