I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
