Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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