I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
