I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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