So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
