weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
