Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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