Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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