Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
