I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
what day is it and did you see me today?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
