chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
