she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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