so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
