Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
