Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
