His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
