if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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