Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Randomize
