just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
