1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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