Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
